Note: The Payson Roundup does not necessarily agree with comments posted below - responsibility lies with the relevant user alone. Read our full policy.
I think some of the blather on one of the current strings has gotten all of us too up tight.
So here's a few things I hope you enjoy:
Re the latest--oh, shoot! I refuse to even type their names!--let's just say the latest shootout between O and H:
If Solomon had to make the decision I think that right about now he would throw up (no, not his hands, his guts) and say: "All right. already!! Chop the %$#@! baby in half!!"
============
Also, for weeks I listened to NBC News telling us all in the gloomiest terms possible that the Dow-Jones was dropping, and dropping, and dropping....
Then last night I realized that they weren't saying anything about the stock market anymore.
So I opened my eyes, which I usually keep shut during the news.
And lo and behold!
A tiny box flickered across the screen for a few seconds without comment . It showed that the Dow is up over 13,000 again.
What do you figure? They trying to get us to open our eyes again?
Too late! ============ Anybody got a decent joke to lighten up things a bit more?
Here's one to prime the pump.
An man whose dog Ruff dashed out every evening without fail and brought in the newspaper off the lawn, saw that the paper had not been delivered.
Certain that faithful old Ruff could do anything, he slipped $5.00 under his collar and sent him running off to town to pick up a copy of the paper at the drugstore.
Four hours later, broken hearted because he was sure that Ruff had been run over, or worse, the man trudged into town.
After searching eveywhere, he found Ruff in a dark alley having his way with a female dachshund.
"My God, Ruff!" he exclaimed. "Is this the way you act after years and years of faithful service?"
"Well," Ruff said. "You never gave me any money before."
I thought I knew the meaning of the word, 'service' – it's the act of doing things for other people. Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service Postal Service Telephone Service Civil Service City & County Public Service Customer Service Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word 'service.' This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
So the other day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
Wine To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of poop.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
For years, people were advised to drink 8 glasses of water each day. In fact, what they really meant (and should have said) was to drink 8 glasses of liquid/day. Doesn't matter what kind.
Even the daily glass of wine could be a problem for women. Recently released testing showed that women who drink even a small amount of alcohol may increase their chance of breast cancer.
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning
Forced to go to a sobriety course, Charlie sat and listened for over an hour, when the prissy little lecturer at long last reached the climax of his presentation.
He placed two glasses on the table, one filled with water and one filled with alcohol. Then he dropped an earthworm into the water.
The earthworm swam around happily.
After everyone had a chance to observe that, he removed the worm from the glass of water and dropped it into the glass of alcohol.
The worm instantly straightened out and turned hard enough to drive into a wall with a hammer.
"Well, ladies and gentlemen," the lecturer asked, "can you see what that proves?"
"Yeah," Charlie said, "if you drink alcohol you won't have worms." =============== This is a lot more fun than most of the strings we work on!
Here's a piece of really ridiculous trivia that I'm still trying to figure out.
Check any dictionary.
Alcohol, it will tell you is comes from the Arabic, AL, meaning "the," and KOLH, meaning some black powder that arab women use to darken their eyes.
Okay, how the devil did AL KOHL get to mean alcohol?
Is that's what's wrong with the %$#@! arabs?
They've been trying to get high by choking down some black powder from their wife's makeup box?
I've read that one their fun punishments is to fill a guy's mouth with black powder and stick a fuse between his teeth.
Maybe that's how it got started.
You could get quite a bang out of that!
Personally, I think someone is nuts if he believes that if he blows himself up and kills a couple of enemy soldiers he'll spend all eternity in some beautiful garden, dallying with an endless supply of beautiful women.
Who wants to spend all eternity surrounded by a pack of horny females?
I think maybe they got paradise mixed up with the other place.
Just turn it around and you'll see what I mean. There's got to be an equal reward for women. So if they blow themselves up do they spend all eternity surrounded by a pack of demanding men?
Oo-o-o-o! That hurts even thinking about it.
Personally, I think that if brains were dynamite someone who thinks that way couldn't blow his nose.
So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
The old rancher says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there.
The Water representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step.
The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
That same rep went to African nation on a mission.
Stopping at villages all throughout the country, he decribed the U. S. Government and how well it ran, explaining to the villagers that if they would only set up a government like ours they would solve all their problems.
Week after week, in village after village his speeches were met with roaring cries cries of "Padumbo! Padumbo! Padumbo!"
After his final speech in a village that raised cattle, the village chief led the smiling rep out to the pastures for a look see.
"Be careful, your eminence," the chief told him, "do not step in any of the padumbo."
Just received an e-mail from one of my sons regarding Hillary's point that we need experience in the oval office, and that she has been "right there beside Bill."
He pointed out that if sleeping with Bill qualifies a woman for the presidency, there are a lot of folks out there who could be running for office.
As a man was walking past a mental hospital that was surrounded by a high fence, he heard, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He was curious about that so when he noticed a small hole in the wall he put eye to it to see what it was all about. Suddenly he was poked very hard in the eye. Then he heard, "Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Yeah, I like that one too. ================= Try this one:
A guy notices a wheel thumping and pulls over beside the chain link fence of an insane asylum, where one of the inmates watches him as he inspects his car and finds that the mechanic who fixed a flat twenty miles back only put back one lug nut out of five.
While he is jumping up and down and cursing about the fact that he is going to have to call a tow truck to get back to the station, the inmate looks at him and says, "Say, mister, why don't you just take one lug nut off each wheel, put them on this one, and drive back to the station? Having four lug nuts on each wheel may not be quite as good as having five, but it'll get you where you have to go."
"Hey!" the man says. "Thanks! That's a great idea. And I guess I owe you an apology. I thought you were...well, you know...one of the inmates here."
"I am. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid." ========================
Here's an absolutely true story about an asylum that I bet you'll like. I picked it up when I was teaching some classes for the Illinois Air National Guard back in--um-m-m--1968.
A man and his wife were driving Route 66 north through Illinois towing a trailer and taking turns at the wheel.
It was daytime and the wife had just taken over. The man was sleepy so they stopped and he went back in the trailer to sleep. It was a hot summer day and the trailer was as hot as blue blazes, so he stripped off and lay down on a bunk stark naked.
He woke up after a while and realized that nothing was going on. They were standing still and he couldn't hear a thing.
Sweating and curious, he staggered to the door in the back of the trailer and opened it just as his wife hit the accelerator, dumping him out on the road in broad daylight in front of the Illinois State Insane asylum.
He yelled and ran a hundred feet or so, but his wife just kept on going.
On one corner of the intersection was a gas station that was open. He made a dash for it, got inside, and told the attendant what had happened.
The attendant took one look at a naked, sweating man yelling that his wife had just dumped him and called the State Police.
They came and took him back "where he belonged," but after an hour or so the people in the asylum couldn't find any of the nuts missing so they finally listened to the guy's story.
His wife was 85 miles down the road when a state trooper pulled her over and asked her where her husband was.
At first she didn't want to admit that he was in back, illegally riding in a trailer, but she finally came out with it.
I'll bet her husband was mighty glad she did! ==================== Pat,
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time for the boy to give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey, and a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt chasing bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"
For Memorial Day, I'll just remind everyone of the famous cartoon of the forties where a draft board is meeting, three men sitting at a table. The man in the middle holds a paper in his hand and says, "Who, me?"
A husband and a wife are shopping at the local market. The husband picks up a case of budweiser and puts it in their shopping cart.
What do you think you are doing? asks the wife It's on sale, only $10 for 24 cans, he replies. Put them back we can't afford them, demands the wife.
He puts the beer back and they continue shopping. A few aisles down, the wife picks up a $20 jar of face cream.
What do you think you are doing? says the husband. It's my face cream. it makes me look beautiful, says the wife.
Her husband retorts, So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price!
WILL HE EVER LEARN
A wife is standing before her mirror. "Oh look at me, I have more wrinkles than you can count, my arms look like wings when I hold them out, my thighs look like cottage cheese. Can you say anything good about me?"
A guy walks past a store window and sees a gold ring and a sterling silver pin that he might buy for his girlfriend. He decides on the ring, walks in, and asks how much it is.
"We don't sell rings," the clerk says.
"But there's a ring in your window!"
"I'm sorry, we don't sell rings."
"Okay then, how much is that sterling silver pin?"
"We don't sell pins either."
"Dang it! There's your window, with rings and pins in it, and you say you don't sell rings and pins. What %$#@! sense does that make? What do you do in here anyway?"
"We castrate cats. What would you put in the window?"
Post a comment
(Requires Payson.com registration. You will then need to request that your user details be verified.)
Note: The Payson Roundup does not necessarily agree with comments posted below - responsibility lies with the relevant user alone. Read our full policy.
Posted by Tom_Garrett (Tom Garrett) on May 7, 2008 at 3:43 p.m. (Suggest removal)
I think some of the blather on one of the current strings has gotten all of us too up tight.
So here's a few things I hope you enjoy:
Re the latest--oh, shoot! I refuse to even type their names!--let's just say the latest shootout between O and H:
If Solomon had to make the decision I think that right about now he would throw up (no, not his hands, his guts) and say: "All right. already!! Chop the %$#@! baby in half!!"
============
Also, for weeks I listened to NBC News telling us all in the gloomiest terms possible that the Dow-Jones was dropping, and dropping, and dropping....
Then last night I realized that they weren't saying anything about the stock market anymore.
So I opened my eyes, which I usually keep shut during the news.
And lo and behold!
A tiny box flickered across the screen for a few seconds without comment . It showed that the Dow is up over 13,000 again.
What do you figure? They trying to get us to open our eyes again?
Too late!
============
Anybody got a decent joke to lighten up things a bit more?
Here's one to prime the pump.
An man whose dog Ruff dashed out every evening without fail and brought in the newspaper off the lawn, saw that the paper had not been delivered.
Certain that faithful old Ruff could do anything, he slipped $5.00 under his collar and sent him running off to town to pick up a copy of the paper at the drugstore.
Four hours later, broken hearted because he was sure that Ruff had been run over, or worse, the man trudged into town.
After searching eveywhere, he found Ruff in a dark alley having his way with a female dachshund.
"My God, Ruff!" he exclaimed. "Is this the way you act after years and years of faithful service?"
"Well," Ruff said. "You never gave me any money before."
Posted by llandproud (Susan Grubbs) on May 7, 2008 at 5:38 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Tom, I haven't been on here for quite a while. I don't miss it, by the way, but...
I'm not sure what your point was about the stock market and NBC, but look at what happened to the market today. It's down. Blink and you miss it.
I'll say their names. Obama and Hillary. Looks like Obama will be the nominee. Works for me.
See ya later ... maybe.
Posted by msmike2003 (Mikey Kerns) on May 7, 2008 at 7:50 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Tom, try this one:
I thought I knew the meaning of the word, 'service' – it's the act of doing things for other people. Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word 'service.' This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
So the other day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
Posted by Shovelhead (Mike McLaughlin) on May 7, 2008 at 8:11 p.m. (Suggest removal)
You missed Public service
Wine
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of poop.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
Posted by llandproud (Susan Grubbs) on May 7, 2008 at 8:57 p.m. (Suggest removal)
For years, people were advised to drink 8 glasses of water each day. In fact, what they really meant (and should have said) was to drink 8 glasses of liquid/day. Doesn't matter what kind.
Even the daily glass of wine could be a problem for women. Recently released testing showed that women who drink even a small amount of alcohol may increase their chance of breast cancer.
Moderation. Everything in moderation.
Posted by PaysonHopeful (Paul Woods) on May 7, 2008 at 9:54 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Hope this doesn't get deleted.
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!
Posted by Shovelhead (Mike McLaughlin) on May 7, 2008 at 10:49 p.m. (Suggest removal)
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning
Posted by Tom_Garrett (Tom Garrett) on May 8, 2008 at 2:03 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Shovelhead et al,
Forced to go to a sobriety course, Charlie sat and listened for over an hour, when the prissy little lecturer at long last reached the climax of his presentation.
He placed two glasses on the table, one filled with water and one filled with alcohol. Then he dropped an earthworm into the water.
The earthworm swam around happily.
After everyone had a chance to observe that, he removed the worm from the glass of water and dropped it into the glass of alcohol.
The worm instantly straightened out and turned hard enough to drive into a wall with a hammer.
"Well, ladies and gentlemen," the lecturer asked, "can you see what that proves?"
"Yeah," Charlie said, "if you drink alcohol you won't have worms."
===============
This is a lot more fun than most of the strings we work on!
Posted by Tom_Garrett (Tom Garrett) on May 9, 2008 at 3:13 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Here's a piece of really ridiculous trivia that I'm still trying to figure out.
Check any dictionary.
Alcohol, it will tell you is comes from the Arabic, AL, meaning "the," and KOLH, meaning some black powder that arab women use to darken their eyes.
Okay, how the devil did AL KOHL get to mean alcohol?
Is that's what's wrong with the %$#@! arabs?
They've been trying to get high by choking down some black powder from their wife's makeup box?
I've read that one their fun punishments is to fill a guy's mouth with black powder and stick a fuse between his teeth.
Maybe that's how it got started.
You could get quite a bang out of that!
Personally, I think someone is nuts if he believes that if he blows himself up and kills a couple of enemy soldiers he'll spend all eternity in some beautiful garden, dallying with an endless supply of beautiful women.
Who wants to spend all eternity surrounded by a pack of horny females?
I think maybe they got paradise mixed up with the other place.
Just turn it around and you'll see what I mean. There's got to be an equal reward for women. So if they blow themselves up do they spend all eternity surrounded by a pack of demanding men?
Oo-o-o-o! That hurts even thinking about it.
Personally, I think that if brains were dynamite someone who thinks that way couldn't blow his nose.
Posted by Joel (Joel Mona) on May 9, 2008 at 5:16 p.m. (Suggest removal)
So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
The old rancher says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there.
The Water representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step.
The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
Your card! Show him your card!
Posted by Tom_Garrett (Tom Garrett) on May 10, 2008 at 11:01 p.m. (Suggest removal)
That same rep went to African nation on a mission.
Stopping at villages all throughout the country, he decribed the U. S. Government and how well it ran, explaining to the villagers that if they would only set up a government like ours they would solve all their problems.
Week after week, in village after village his speeches were met with roaring cries cries of "Padumbo! Padumbo! Padumbo!"
After his final speech in a village that raised cattle, the village chief led the smiling rep out to the pastures for a look see.
"Be careful, your eminence," the chief told him, "do not step in any of the padumbo."
Posted by Tom_Garrett (Tom Garrett) on May 11, 2008 at 2:16 p.m. (Suggest removal)
May God smile upon you and yours on this Mothers Day.
Posted by Tom_Garrett (Tom Garrett) on May 16, 2008 at 2:16 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Just received an e-mail from one of my sons regarding Hillary's point that we need experience in the oval office, and that she has been "right there beside Bill."
He pointed out that if sleeping with Bill qualifies a woman for the presidency, there are a lot of folks out there who could be running for office.
:-)
Posted by patrandall (pat Randall) on May 16, 2008 at 3:33 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Is sleeping the right word?
Posted by SantaBerry (Bernice Winandy) on May 16, 2008 at 6:32 p.m. (Suggest removal)
As a man was walking past a mental hospital that was surrounded by a high fence, he heard, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
He was curious about that so when he noticed a small hole in the wall he put eye to it to see what it was all about. Suddenly he was poked very hard in the eye. Then he heard, "Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Hey what do you expect? At least I tried!
Posted by patrandall (pat Randall) on May 16, 2008 at 8:42 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Bernice,
So far I think yours is the funniest.
Posted by Tom_Garrett (Tom Garrett) on May 17, 2008 at 11:06 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Yeah, I like that one too.
=================
Try this one:
A guy notices a wheel thumping and pulls over beside the chain link fence of an insane asylum, where one of the inmates watches him as he inspects his car and finds that the mechanic who fixed a flat twenty miles back only put back one lug nut out of five.
While he is jumping up and down and cursing about the fact that he is going to have to call a tow truck to get back to the station, the inmate looks at him and says, "Say, mister, why don't you just take one lug nut off each wheel, put them on this one, and drive back to the station? Having four lug nuts on each wheel may not be quite as good as having five, but it'll get you where you have to go."
"Hey!" the man says. "Thanks! That's a great idea. And I guess I owe you an apology. I thought you were...well, you know...one of the inmates here."
"I am. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid."
========================
Here's an absolutely true story about an asylum that I bet you'll like. I picked it up when I was teaching some classes for the Illinois Air National Guard back in--um-m-m--1968.
A man and his wife were driving Route 66 north through Illinois towing a trailer and taking turns at the wheel.
It was daytime and the wife had just taken over. The man was sleepy so they stopped and he went back in the trailer to sleep. It was a hot summer day and the trailer was as hot as blue blazes, so he stripped off and lay down on a bunk stark naked.
He woke up after a while and realized that nothing was going on. They were standing still and he couldn't hear a thing.
Sweating and curious, he staggered to the door in the back of the trailer and opened it just as his wife hit the accelerator, dumping him out on the road in broad daylight in front of the Illinois State Insane asylum.
He yelled and ran a hundred feet or so, but his wife just kept on going.
On one corner of the intersection was a gas station that was open. He made a dash for it, got inside, and told the attendant what had happened.
The attendant took one look at a naked, sweating man yelling that his wife had just dumped him and called the State Police.
They came and took him back "where he belonged," but after an hour or so the people in the asylum couldn't find any of the nuts missing so they finally listened to the guy's story.
His wife was 85 miles down the road when a state trooper pulled her over and asked her where her husband was.
At first she didn't want to admit that he was in back, illegally riding in a trailer, but she finally came out with it.
I'll bet her husband was mighty glad she did!
====================
Pat,
No.
Posted by Shovelhead (Mike McLaughlin) on May 18, 2008 at 11:34 a.m. (Suggest removal)
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women.
When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat.
It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side
of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was,
but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'
Posted by Tom_Garrett (Tom Garrett) on May 18, 2008 at 3:24 p.m. (Suggest removal)
I like that one!
==================
An old cowboy takes a job excorting dudes on desert rides.
One them keeps complaining that he forgot his lip gloss and his lips are getting so chapped he doesn't know what he will do for the dance that night.
The old cowboy listens to it as long as he can. Then he dismounts next to a pile of mule plop and tells the dude to do the same.
"Rub some of this here stuff on yer lips," he tells the dude.
Not too sure about it, the dude does it anyway.
"Ew-w-w! He says. Will this stuff really cure chapped lips?"
"Nup. But it'll keep ya from lickin yer lips."
Posted by SantaBerry (Bernice Winandy) on May 24, 2008 at 7:49 a.m. (Suggest removal)
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time for the boy to give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whiskey,
and a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt chasing bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"
Posted by Tom_Garrett (Tom Garrett) on May 24, 2008 at 10:42 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Good one!
================
Posted by Tom_Garrett (Tom Garrett) on May 26, 2008 at 3:50 p.m. (Suggest removal)
For Memorial Day, I'll just remind everyone of the famous cartoon of the forties where a draft board is meeting, three men sitting at a table. The man in the middle holds a paper in his hand and says, "Who, me?"
Posted by SantaBerry (Bernice Winandy) on June 16, 2008 at 9:14 p.m. (Suggest removal)
HE NEVER SAW IT COMING
A husband and a wife are shopping at the local market. The husband picks up a case of budweiser and puts it in their shopping cart.
What do you think you are doing? asks the wife
It's on sale, only $10 for 24 cans, he replies.
Put them back we can't afford them, demands the wife.
He puts the beer back and they continue shopping. A few aisles down, the wife picks up a $20 jar of face cream.
What do you think you are doing? says the husband.
It's my face cream. it makes me look beautiful, says the wife.
Her husband retorts, So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price!
WILL HE EVER LEARN
A wife is standing before her mirror. "Oh look at me, I have more wrinkles than you can count, my arms look like wings when I hold them out, my thighs look like cottage cheese. Can you say anything good about me?"
The husband says, "You have good eye sight."
Posted by Tom_Garrett (Tom Garrett) on June 17, 2008 at 2:59 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Good ones!
A guy walks past a store window and sees a gold ring and a sterling silver pin that he might buy for his girlfriend. He decides on the ring, walks in, and asks how much it is.
"We don't sell rings," the clerk says.
"But there's a ring in your window!"
"I'm sorry, we don't sell rings."
"Okay then, how much is that sterling silver pin?"
"We don't sell pins either."
"Dang it! There's your window, with rings and pins in it, and you say you don't sell rings and pins. What %$#@! sense does that make? What do you do in here anyway?"
"We castrate cats. What would you put in the window?"
Post a comment
(Requires Payson.com registration. You will then need to request that your user details be verified.)